Cycle 1: Day 26.
After my first round of progesterone, to clomid, to HCG shot... I took a pregnancy test today.
And I am not pregnant.
Yes, I realize this is the very first round of treatment.
I also understand my treatment is very mild compared to what many women go through.
And the heart break is still real. The hopelessness that sets in is still real.
As I sat in the bathroom this morning trying to apply lotion as a distraction while I waited for the test to give me the result, I tried to prepare myself. I knew my chances were still slim. I knew this was no worse than the many negative tests I have taken in the past. I knew it was only my first round.
I KNOW ALL THIS.
And still the heartbreak is real.
I allow myself to grieve a little and then I move on with my day. I decide to utilize a break to watch some TV as a distraction. So I attempt to catch up on Red Band Society... and there they are talking about bad parents verses those who would give up anything to have the privilege of raising a child...
My Reticular Activating System (fascinating neuroscience - go read up on it!) is overly active on the subject. So much for numbing the brain with mindless TV.
*this posting is published a while after writing it; sometimes things are too fresh and before I share it with the world I need to mentally digest it.
