Cycle 1: Day 26

Cycle 1: Day 26.

After my first round of progesterone, to clomid, to HCG shot... I took a pregnancy test today.

And I am not pregnant.

Yes, I realize this is the very first round of treatment.
I also understand my treatment is very mild compared to what many women go through.

And the heart break is still real. The hopelessness that sets in is still real.

As I sat in the bathroom this morning trying to apply lotion as a distraction while I waited for the test to give me the result, I tried to prepare myself. I knew my chances were still slim. I knew this was no worse than the many negative tests I have taken in the past. I knew it was only my first round.

I KNOW ALL THIS.

And still the heartbreak is real.

I allow myself to grieve a little and then I move on with my day. I decide to utilize a break to watch some TV as a distraction. So I attempt to catch up on Red Band Society... and there they are talking about bad parents verses those who would give up anything to have the privilege of raising a child...
My Reticular Activating System (fascinating neuroscience - go read up on it!) is overly active on the subject. So much for numbing the brain with mindless TV.


*this posting is published a while after writing it; sometimes things are too fresh and before I share it with the world I need to mentally digest it.

I'm so fancy...

I'm so fancy, even my ovaries wear a string of pearls!
and *expensive* jewelry it is.

I had known PCOS was a possibility. I had all the symptoms.
At first, hearing the diagnosis was a good thing. Ok - we have some answers.

But then, the emotions hit.
This PLUS endometriosis PLUS fibromyalagia PLUS chronic fatigue PLUS Epstein barr PLUS...

I cried for 10 minutes but then pulled it together for a meeting.
I cried again and called my mom. Yup, I'm that girl.
Then again I had to be "okay" so that I could do 3sessions.
I'm a psychotherapist for fucks sake.
PULL IT TOGETHER.
But then I got home and all night I cried.

I'm not sure of the toll this took on my husband. I knew he was worried. It just made me cry more.

I am a hot mess. Plus I am highly hormonal so half the emotion isn't even fully grief. Its like grief on crack.

He has no idea how to respond. He does try though. I am thankful for a husband that tries. I have no complaints about him.

THIS. IS. JUST. HARD.

And then I become frustrated with myself that I'm handling it this way.
WHERE ARE THE BOOT STRAPS.
I got to pull myself out of this.

And with that thought, I dutifully wrote down "On a good note" with a list of things I'm grateful for:

* I'm getting answers
*I'm taking action steps to help
* I have a supportive husband and mother
* My last session had a moment of sublime serendipity

Bachelorette plus elliptical equals sobbing mess

Notes from (in)fertility all started in July of 2014

I was on the elliptical, watching the "Bachelorette: Men tell all"
Ashley and JP come out to do a live ultrasound to find out the gender of their child. Its a baby boy!
I've been fighting back tears since she showed up onscreen very pregnant. But upon seeing the parents react to the news of their child's gender it all comes bubbling out.
Crying, Sobbing, and yet continuing to exercise.

Yup. Its official. I've gone crazy. (Partially from waiting, partially from having hormones fully out of whack thanks to my newly diagnosed PCOS (I've only had all the symptoms for years)).

The full weight of the knowledge that, yes- I am exercising for health and weight loss, but I am really trying to increase my health in hopes of becoming more fertile.

And so sobbing, I continue to exercise.

Notes from (in)fertility.

My notes from (in)fertility started the summer of 2014. Struggles of infertility had been brought to my awareness since 2008, but this summer I just had to write things down to take some of the power away.

Here I'll share my thoughts.
At this point it is all hindsight, but I'm not committing to that as the sole point of view in future posts. Only time will tell.
That phrase. And "we shall see" are two I'm saying a lot right now.