Left Ovary has left the building. 2-12

Cycle 2. Day 12.

I went in today to have my follicles measured; see the progress from my second cycle.

And nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Apparently the left ovary has decided not to attend the party the clomid is having.

Mood swings, cramps, and hot-flashes... all for nothing.

I held it together with my doctor and her staff. Then as soon as I hit the door I called my husband sobbing. Okay... so I was preparing myself for another cycle where potentially I would not get pregnant. I WAS NOT prepared for a cycle where my body didn't respond even in the slightest. 

I've been drinking the tea that taste like bark that is supposed to make the ovaries that much more productive. I'd gone in for rounds of acupuncture. I've been taking my medicine religiously. I had even peed on a stick that said I was ovulating!!! And.... nope. The left ovary just doesn't produce. 

So from that, the doctor told me that possibly my left ovary does not function. If that is the case than apparently every other month I don't have a shot (since ovaries take turns being dutiful)

Im giving myself a few hours to cry about it. Then its time to order the next 10 days of progesterone and reaffirm positive beliefs that I will become pregnant.

*Written August 2014

Cycle 1: Day 26

Cycle 1: Day 26.

After my first round of progesterone, to clomid, to HCG shot... I took a pregnancy test today.

And I am not pregnant.

Yes, I realize this is the very first round of treatment.
I also understand my treatment is very mild compared to what many women go through.

And the heart break is still real. The hopelessness that sets in is still real.

As I sat in the bathroom this morning trying to apply lotion as a distraction while I waited for the test to give me the result, I tried to prepare myself. I knew my chances were still slim. I knew this was no worse than the many negative tests I have taken in the past. I knew it was only my first round.

I KNOW ALL THIS.

And still the heartbreak is real.

I allow myself to grieve a little and then I move on with my day. I decide to utilize a break to watch some TV as a distraction. So I attempt to catch up on Red Band Society... and there they are talking about bad parents verses those who would give up anything to have the privilege of raising a child...
My Reticular Activating System (fascinating neuroscience - go read up on it!) is overly active on the subject. So much for numbing the brain with mindless TV.


*this posting is published a while after writing it; sometimes things are too fresh and before I share it with the world I need to mentally digest it.