Left Ovary has left the building. 2-12

Cycle 2. Day 12.

I went in today to have my follicles measured; see the progress from my second cycle.

And nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Apparently the left ovary has decided not to attend the party the clomid is having.

Mood swings, cramps, and hot-flashes... all for nothing.

I held it together with my doctor and her staff. Then as soon as I hit the door I called my husband sobbing. Okay... so I was preparing myself for another cycle where potentially I would not get pregnant. I WAS NOT prepared for a cycle where my body didn't respond even in the slightest. 

I've been drinking the tea that taste like bark that is supposed to make the ovaries that much more productive. I'd gone in for rounds of acupuncture. I've been taking my medicine religiously. I had even peed on a stick that said I was ovulating!!! And.... nope. The left ovary just doesn't produce. 

So from that, the doctor told me that possibly my left ovary does not function. If that is the case than apparently every other month I don't have a shot (since ovaries take turns being dutiful)

Im giving myself a few hours to cry about it. Then its time to order the next 10 days of progesterone and reaffirm positive beliefs that I will become pregnant.

*Written August 2014

I'm so fancy...

I'm so fancy, even my ovaries wear a string of pearls!
and *expensive* jewelry it is.

I had known PCOS was a possibility. I had all the symptoms.
At first, hearing the diagnosis was a good thing. Ok - we have some answers.

But then, the emotions hit.
This PLUS endometriosis PLUS fibromyalagia PLUS chronic fatigue PLUS Epstein barr PLUS...

I cried for 10 minutes but then pulled it together for a meeting.
I cried again and called my mom. Yup, I'm that girl.
Then again I had to be "okay" so that I could do 3sessions.
I'm a psychotherapist for fucks sake.
PULL IT TOGETHER.
But then I got home and all night I cried.

I'm not sure of the toll this took on my husband. I knew he was worried. It just made me cry more.

I am a hot mess. Plus I am highly hormonal so half the emotion isn't even fully grief. Its like grief on crack.

He has no idea how to respond. He does try though. I am thankful for a husband that tries. I have no complaints about him.

THIS. IS. JUST. HARD.

And then I become frustrated with myself that I'm handling it this way.
WHERE ARE THE BOOT STRAPS.
I got to pull myself out of this.

And with that thought, I dutifully wrote down "On a good note" with a list of things I'm grateful for:

* I'm getting answers
*I'm taking action steps to help
* I have a supportive husband and mother
* My last session had a moment of sublime serendipity

Bachelorette plus elliptical equals sobbing mess

Notes from (in)fertility all started in July of 2014

I was on the elliptical, watching the "Bachelorette: Men tell all"
Ashley and JP come out to do a live ultrasound to find out the gender of their child. Its a baby boy!
I've been fighting back tears since she showed up onscreen very pregnant. But upon seeing the parents react to the news of their child's gender it all comes bubbling out.
Crying, Sobbing, and yet continuing to exercise.

Yup. Its official. I've gone crazy. (Partially from waiting, partially from having hormones fully out of whack thanks to my newly diagnosed PCOS (I've only had all the symptoms for years)).

The full weight of the knowledge that, yes- I am exercising for health and weight loss, but I am really trying to increase my health in hopes of becoming more fertile.

And so sobbing, I continue to exercise.