"OMG. Today is a GREAT day!" 2-24

"OMG. Today is a GREAT day!"
So says my Aunt's FaceBook status.
She is up visiting my cousin.

Immediately my heart sinks.

My guess is that the cousin, who is like a twin to me (only a few days apart and we grew up in the same neighborhood), is pregnant.

And the truth is, that if she is indeed pregnant, I am ecstatic for her.

But mentally, I go through a list of comparisons:

I've been married 6 1/2 years.                             This fall she celebrates her 2nd anniversary.
I've been trying for 6 years.                                 I don't think they had to "try."
I live in a house with a nursery.                           They live in a tiny apartment.
Mostly I'd just be really jealous.                         And I'm still happy for her.

There is no reason she should not have a child.
I just don't think there are reasons (aside from medical complications) for me to not have a child too!

Maybe I'm just sensitive because I spent four hours at a baby shower today. (For someone else who I am ecstatic for).

Cycle 2. Day 24.

Left Ovary has left the building. 2-12

Cycle 2. Day 12.

I went in today to have my follicles measured; see the progress from my second cycle.

And nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Apparently the left ovary has decided not to attend the party the clomid is having.

Mood swings, cramps, and hot-flashes... all for nothing.

I held it together with my doctor and her staff. Then as soon as I hit the door I called my husband sobbing. Okay... so I was preparing myself for another cycle where potentially I would not get pregnant. I WAS NOT prepared for a cycle where my body didn't respond even in the slightest. 

I've been drinking the tea that taste like bark that is supposed to make the ovaries that much more productive. I'd gone in for rounds of acupuncture. I've been taking my medicine religiously. I had even peed on a stick that said I was ovulating!!! And.... nope. The left ovary just doesn't produce. 

So from that, the doctor told me that possibly my left ovary does not function. If that is the case than apparently every other month I don't have a shot (since ovaries take turns being dutiful)

Im giving myself a few hours to cry about it. Then its time to order the next 10 days of progesterone and reaffirm positive beliefs that I will become pregnant.

*Written August 2014

Mathematical sex disaster. 4-11

We are on our 4th cycle... and we finally hit that point that all (in)fertile couples dread...
Where the sex is anything but romantic.
Instead it is like a math equation.

I bought Pre-Seed lubrication.
My husband ordered a wedge to tilt my hips up. He accidentally bought a huge wedge platform - which will definitely help with gravity but by golly it is less than sexy trying to get up on that thing.

Let me tell you... I did not look like that. 

The Pre-Seed required direction reading. And since I hadn't read the directions ahead of time, I was trying to use the application in the bedroom ... and then wait the directed 15 minutes... 

The wedge required some contortionism and getting used to.

I think they will both be phenomenal next try. But man, that first round... disaster. We ended up just stopping and not having sex. On a night where mathematically we needed to have sex.

But we promised each other to NOT make our sex mathematical. So we stopped. Decided that was not a sexy practice attempt.

Ovulation Predictor Kits are saying I'm not ovulating anyway.

(After OPK giving me a positive during cycles where no ovulation occurred... I use 2-3 tests a day)

So hopefully we didn't miss a peak window. 

Cycle 4. Day 11.

Cycle 1: Day 26

Cycle 1: Day 26.

After my first round of progesterone, to clomid, to HCG shot... I took a pregnancy test today.

And I am not pregnant.

Yes, I realize this is the very first round of treatment.
I also understand my treatment is very mild compared to what many women go through.

And the heart break is still real. The hopelessness that sets in is still real.

As I sat in the bathroom this morning trying to apply lotion as a distraction while I waited for the test to give me the result, I tried to prepare myself. I knew my chances were still slim. I knew this was no worse than the many negative tests I have taken in the past. I knew it was only my first round.

I KNOW ALL THIS.

And still the heartbreak is real.

I allow myself to grieve a little and then I move on with my day. I decide to utilize a break to watch some TV as a distraction. So I attempt to catch up on Red Band Society... and there they are talking about bad parents verses those who would give up anything to have the privilege of raising a child...
My Reticular Activating System (fascinating neuroscience - go read up on it!) is overly active on the subject. So much for numbing the brain with mindless TV.


*this posting is published a while after writing it; sometimes things are too fresh and before I share it with the world I need to mentally digest it.

I'm so fancy...

I'm so fancy, even my ovaries wear a string of pearls!
and *expensive* jewelry it is.

I had known PCOS was a possibility. I had all the symptoms.
At first, hearing the diagnosis was a good thing. Ok - we have some answers.

But then, the emotions hit.
This PLUS endometriosis PLUS fibromyalagia PLUS chronic fatigue PLUS Epstein barr PLUS...

I cried for 10 minutes but then pulled it together for a meeting.
I cried again and called my mom. Yup, I'm that girl.
Then again I had to be "okay" so that I could do 3sessions.
I'm a psychotherapist for fucks sake.
PULL IT TOGETHER.
But then I got home and all night I cried.

I'm not sure of the toll this took on my husband. I knew he was worried. It just made me cry more.

I am a hot mess. Plus I am highly hormonal so half the emotion isn't even fully grief. Its like grief on crack.

He has no idea how to respond. He does try though. I am thankful for a husband that tries. I have no complaints about him.

THIS. IS. JUST. HARD.

And then I become frustrated with myself that I'm handling it this way.
WHERE ARE THE BOOT STRAPS.
I got to pull myself out of this.

And with that thought, I dutifully wrote down "On a good note" with a list of things I'm grateful for:

* I'm getting answers
*I'm taking action steps to help
* I have a supportive husband and mother
* My last session had a moment of sublime serendipity

Bachelorette plus elliptical equals sobbing mess

Notes from (in)fertility all started in July of 2014

I was on the elliptical, watching the "Bachelorette: Men tell all"
Ashley and JP come out to do a live ultrasound to find out the gender of their child. Its a baby boy!
I've been fighting back tears since she showed up onscreen very pregnant. But upon seeing the parents react to the news of their child's gender it all comes bubbling out.
Crying, Sobbing, and yet continuing to exercise.

Yup. Its official. I've gone crazy. (Partially from waiting, partially from having hormones fully out of whack thanks to my newly diagnosed PCOS (I've only had all the symptoms for years)).

The full weight of the knowledge that, yes- I am exercising for health and weight loss, but I am really trying to increase my health in hopes of becoming more fertile.

And so sobbing, I continue to exercise.

Notes from (in)fertility.

My notes from (in)fertility started the summer of 2014. Struggles of infertility had been brought to my awareness since 2008, but this summer I just had to write things down to take some of the power away.

Here I'll share my thoughts.
At this point it is all hindsight, but I'm not committing to that as the sole point of view in future posts. Only time will tell.
That phrase. And "we shall see" are two I'm saying a lot right now.